I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
