Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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