I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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