Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Randomize
