omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize