and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
