I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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