help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
We are two peas in an std pod
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize