I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
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