Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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