My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize