Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
