My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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