She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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