My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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