I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
