Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Randomize
