I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
