there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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