Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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