1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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