No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
