i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
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