Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
