we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Randomize