I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
