Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
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