I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Randomize