They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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