I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
