i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Randomize