I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Randomize
