Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
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