Umm I'm too high to move.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
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