I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
handjob tips. give me some.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
