I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
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