Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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