I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
