I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
It's never too late to be topless.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
