when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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