i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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