after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
