yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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