I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
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