I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
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