He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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