My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Randomize
