my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Randomize
