im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
She even gives head with a lisp.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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