before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
