There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Randomize
