Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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