youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
only you would photoshop your dick
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize