the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
