I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
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